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Oh my goodness, he actually said that! That was my first reaction on May 5, 2023 when the US Surgeon General used the poetic phrase, the “Epidemic of Loneliness” to describe what so many of us were experiencing in our personal lives, especially post-Covid. You can explore the details of his profound report HERE, which is noteworthy even for its glossary, defining terms like “empathy,” “social connection,” and “belonging.” But here’s what I found so striking - he didn’t just talk about isolation, or feeling disconnected. He talked about the actual emotional impact of those circumstances, which often leaves us feeling disconnected, depressed, and lonely.
As a professional counselor these past twenty years, terms like empathy and connection are comfortably in my wheelhouse. And I have been encouraged by their introduction into the public sphere by the likes of Oprah and famed researcher/author Brene Brown over the past two decades. But to have them used out in the open like this, by the Surgeon General of the United States, is really something, and fills me with encouragement.
If you know me or have read my writings, you know I’m a big proponent of paying really close attention to our thoughts, because they inform our feelings. And in the simplest way, the two basic feelings (bad or good) can be brought about by letting our thoughts focus on the “junkyard” or the “ocean.” The junkyard is anything that, when I think about it, brings about a negative feeling. The ocean of course is the opposite, and includes anything thoughts that move me in the direction of relaxing, feeling contentment, and remembering that all is well. (And trust me - all IS well!).
So here’s a perfect example: A Junkyard thought could be - This epidemic of loneliness - how sad, how tragic, how awful that so many people are hurting. We are really moving in the wrong direction, and I know this because of all the pain I am both feeling and witnessing. This thought may sometimes feel “true” to me, and we all know how easy it is to find supporting evidence for thoughts like these. But one thing is certain - if I think these thoughts, if I focus on the “supporting evidence,” then I’m going to feel bad. I feel sad, stressed, worried, powerless, and stuck. And that does not make me feel good, nor does it move me towards anything that I want.
The same scenario - the Epidemic of Loneliness - could also find the “ocean” feeling, by noticing other aspects of the same phenomenon. Yes, people are hurting, on unimaginable scales. But here’s what’s also true: We are actually talking about this fact out in the open, for the first time ever. Because of our “Mental Health Crisis,” everybody is talking about their mental health, which is another way of saying they are talking about their FEELINGS! Do you realize how big of a deal this is? From athletes to musicians to other leading public figures, suddenly everyone has permission to talk about their feelings. And they are being celebrated for it!
Most of us grew up with parents and grandparents who believed that it doesn’t do a damn bit of good to talk about your feelings. It doesn’t change anything. It’s simply self-indulgent. Just shut up, get over yourself, and move on. But after subsequent generations of trying this amazing strategy, we became the most obese, addicted, medicated, unhappy, tuned-out generation of humans ever to walk the planet. But hang with me, because the great news is that this is changing right before our very eyes, and you are an integral part of the solution.
Dr. Murthy did something remarkable with his statement, and helped shine the light on the truth of our humanity. We need each other. We are designed for connection and community. And when that is taken from us, when our ability to connect is thwarted for stretches of time, we all deteriorate. The way forward is together, with each other and with our feelings. And when we talk about them, when we acknowledge that we are having a hard time, we find healing and connection in the vulnerability.
The truth of the matter is that we are all gifted this incredible mind/body connection that includes deep emotional resonance. And our feelings are vital. They tell us when we are on track, and when we are not, even when our intellectual brain can’t reason it out.
So I, for one, am actually giddy about all of this. Not because I want people to be sad and lonely of course (although that does tend to make for a very full therapy practice), but because for me, this is only confirmation of one wonderful thing: That we are on the right track, moving forward, getting better. Hang in there with me, friends. Feel your feelings. Talk about them. Find a good therapist. Laugh and cry with your people. And find the deep meaningful connection that happens when we all stop pretending that we’re ok all the time.
This is all going somewhere wonderful. It’s not just a mental health crisis. It’s the next gigantic leveling up of humanity. And I’m here for all of it. Thank you for feeling your feelings. It makes you even more capable and beautiful than you knew you were.