How many of these thoughts sound familiar - I’ll be so happy once I get on vacation. I’ll be happy once I land that job. I’d be happy if I was dating someone. I’ll be happy once I make that salary. Or write a great song. Or lose ten pounds. Or quit drinking. Or control my anger. Or overcome my anxiety.
If you’ve been a human long enough to have a few birthdays, then you’ve entertained thoughts like these. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with thoughts like these. We have all been well trained to concern ourselves principally with the current state of affairs only. Our current weight, salary, circle of friends, etc. Because that’s what IS in this very moment. Why would we not look there? Open up any newspaper or social media app and you are instantly inundated with the “problems” of the world, and ourselves. We sadly aren’t very often hit with many solutions to said problems, but rather problems on steroids. The problem is that our obsession with what currently IS, coupled with our fascination with the disease of the world means that most of us are focusing on things that make us feel badly, nearly all of the time. And instead of focusing elsewhere (say, on pleasant-feeling thoughts), we simply anesthetize ourselves to the discomfort, and go on talking about and living in the problems of the world, thereby magnifying their very existence.
Two interesting things I have learned in my life regarding this “I’ll be happy when” fallacy: The first is that it’s not true. That sense of happiness, even if it did follow that date (or job offer, or new car, etc.), was temporal, eventually leaving to be replaced by some other feeling. Or the job wasn’t what I thought. Or the weight went back on. Or the date started talking. That’s the first problem with this conditional style of living (the kind where I have good things happen so then I feel good, and vice-versa). It doesn’t last. There’s not a way to sustain the positive conditions long enough to promote only good feelings. And any attempts in this regard often lead to destructive and addictive patterns.
The second problem with “I’ll be happy when” thinking is that is brushes over one vital truth: it is actually possible to feel happy right now, right this very second. I may not be able to drop the ten pounds this very second, but I can find ways of thinking about that topic that absolutely feel better, and move me rapidly towards “happiness.” What I want and WHY is a very useful place to focus. But beware this common pitfall. Let’s use the weight example, and this first one is not helpful: I want to lose ten pounds because I am currently a fat ass and feel bad. Here’s a better way of following up the WHY: I want to lose ten pounds because I love how I feel when my pants are a little looser. I love the energy I feel in a lighter body. I love the way it feels to move and dance in a lighter body. I love the confidence I feel when I walk through the world in a lighter body. This kind of thinking orients you to the very feeling you’re trying to conjure, right this very second. Can you feel it? Keep it going. What you want, and the WHY underneath it have some powerful magic that is directly related to moving in the direction of what you want.
So catch them, when you can, these sneaky little, “I’ll be happy when” thoughts, and see if you can reorient yourselves right here and now to the feeling of happiness. It’s always there, waiting for your to discover it again and again. Peace and joy, ease and flow. Right now.