Who does Couple’s Therapy with their ex-spouse?! Isn’t that the thing you’re supposed to do before that spouse becomes an ex? I’ve been a therapist for the past 20 years and I can’t name a single time I’ve seen exes do therapy together, with the hopes of improving their relationship. Not recovering the relationship, mind you. Just improving it. And whose idea was this? Not mine, originally, I can tell you that. And not Lisa’s either. That’s the ex. Nope, it was our then 15 year-old daughter’s idea, who basically confronted us on our crappy communication, and demanded that we get our act together. Nothing compares to the brutal honesty of a teenager. But since there is not another being on the planet that I love more than my daughter Avery, I relented. After first defending myself and trying to explain that my relationship with her mother wasn’t THAT bad. I didn’t even really believe it myself as I was saying it, and all teenagers can smell inauthenticity from the next zip code.
So we jumped in, my former wife and me, and over the course of 6 or so sessions we processed a number of wounds still requiring attention. It always fascinates me how the ringing of those old bells, the telling of the old tales, elicits the exact same feeling and response from the nervous system right now as it did back then. We remember how we felt by feeling it now. And each time we ring those chimes, each time we tell that story and activate those vibrations, we re-experience the pain or hurt or guilt or anger. There are times when this is a crucial piece of the relationship puzzle, repairing the ruptures that occur. And this was one of those times.
Lisa and I are both therapists, and as you might imagine, sometimes therapists make the most challenging therapy clients. But this felt different, and we both brought a level of openness and vulnerability that made the process workable. One aspect in particular that I really appreciated, as we were guided by the gentle hand of the therapist to listen to the other person’s story about what hurt they were still holding on to, was to simply acknowledge that the story I just heard, the rendition of my hurtful behavior, was true. That I actually did do and say those things you just mentioned that were so hurtful to you. I did that. Ugh. AND (part 2) knowing you the way I do, knowing what’s important to you, I can understand how those particular words must have made you feel. In other words: I hear you, I see you, I get it. Not even necessarily “I’m sorry.” But just I get it. I feel the impact those words had on you. I can feel how hurtful that was. (Breathe).
In addition to the improvement in our overall relationship, I also ended up with a great new song from the process. It’s called “Mend the Miles,” and I recorded it on the recent Sharpe & Dion album released last fall. It’s not only a beautiful and poetic song, but it’s also starting to gain some recognition in a few songwriting competitions. The lyrics are below, and you can find the track wherever you listen to music. And in the meantime, be good to yourselves, and attend to those places that might still require some repair.
Song link: https://open.spotify.com/track/6h0hKRli1BUiDUeEFZ93b2?si=2fb1db903a444885
Mend the Miles
Congratulations seems a funny thing to say at a time like this
Maybe I’m sorry and I’d mean it right away and you’d believe me
It’s nothing sacred in fact I’m really quite ashamed
This way of reason
I can’t quite shake it in a way I can’t explain
Must be the season
After all the way we’ve come it’s time we turn around
And inventory every pebble that we’ve found
And mend the miles
This story’s broken is this the middle or the end
I’ve lost my bearing
But I found this token and it’s only part pretend
This is me caring
It’s like that capsule we buried long ago
Disparate parts of me
Now damn this shovel unearthing broken bones
I don’t want to see
But let’s remember how we both walk a steady line
Now we’re wanting more than, “Great - hey, better luck next time”
And mend the miles
For all we know we’ve been through this all before the miles
It’s never easy when you’re frazzled and afraid
Of being open
I trust it’s worthwhile or I’d gladly turn away
So here’s to hoping
This situation all these ruptures and repairs the broken hearted
The tender spaces the places unaware don’t get me started
Let us finally remember everything we know
Cast aside the anger and let the river flow
And mend the miles