I was raised in a conservative Lutheran household, and by an early age I was clear that my personal and spiritual evolution would require a different path. In high school I found weed and the Grateful Dead. In college I took courses in the comparative religions. I later chose a graduate school founded on Buddhist principles, and have continued to follow a meditative path ever since.
If I could have one wish granted, it would be for every human to meditate regularly. (Wish number two would be to rid the world of weapons of war, but honestly, the fulfillment of the first wish would render the second one moot.) Meditation is the key. It plugs us into Source, reconnects us with our deeper (truer) selves, and allows the path to reveal itself with more clarity, cleverness, and delight.
That being said, meditation is a solitary endeavor, and community is vital. So when John and I became a couple and he moved from New York, re-establishing a sense of community for him was top of mind. That led us to discover and eventually join the local Unitarian Universalist Fellowship here in Lafayette. That was one of the best decisions we have ever made, as we continue to meet and connect deeply with fascinating, intelligent people who are all motivated towards creating a more just world.
This past Sunday’s service brought things full circle for me, as the topic of the day related to Jesus, and why we UU’s don’t talk more about him. This brought up many of my old feelings about Lutheranism, and they didn’t feel good. But the service itself was profound, and healing for me in ways I still cannot fully articulate. But I felt some of my old shame fall away, layers of internalized homophobia sloughing off like dead skin. And dear Lord, did the feel good!
In fact, it felt SO good that I was compelled to get up and share with our congregation during the portion of our service that allows for anyone to speak their Joys and Concerns into the mic before dropping a stone into the sacred waters. I shared one stone of Joy for this wonderful service today, one of Concern for an ailing family member, and one last stone of “deep love and gratitude for my HUSBAND John.”
That’s right. Not only do I have a husband, but I also announced this word into the microphone before God and everybody. And you know what? They cheered. And clapped. And cheered some more. And as I sat back down in my seat, grasped John’s hand, and cried.
I cried with pride for myself and having the courage to share my heart. I cried for the pain of my little boy self who didn’t know that he was perfect, as is. And that his tender little gay heart is exactly what the world is needing more of. I cried for everyone who finds it difficult to be who they are.
Being gay is still challenging for me. The word itself is still difficult to say sometimes. But being myself in the wide open world, even when holding a microphone, feels exhilarating! And I trust that the more I keep practicing, the easier it will become.
Finding purpose and meaning in the mess is the task of our human days. And as of this Sunday, thanks to Constance and Lydia, I feel a deeper sense of meaning, and a stronger sense of purpose than ever before. And I am forever grateful, for all of it.
Stay tuned,
JD