When it comes down to it, it’s really the only interesting question. And frankly, the only one the Universe is ever (and always) asking: What Now?!
In my twenty-plus years as a therapist, one of the things that stands out to me is our unwavering human propensity for story-telling. We are brilliant at it, and we do it non-stop, for everything. We have stories about the world and how things came to be; stories about our bodies and our finances and the scars on our hearts; stories about other people and those who both wronged and righted us. Our brains write stories effortlessly, and these stories often run in the background, like computer programming, leaving us unaware of their ongoing impact.
When people come in to therapy, there is often a predictable story-telling phase where the new client provides some history about themselves, recounting both the highs and lows of being a human on the planet. The details vary from person to person of course, but the process is similar. It’s the “how I got here” explanation that we offer our new co-worker over lunch, or to that cute someone on a first date. This process is, of course, all well and good, normal, and healthy - maybe.
The maybe is that so many of us use our stories in defense of our limitations - here’s why I’m not yet financially independent, or here’s why I can’t trust other humans, or here’s why my childhood trauma left my broken in these ways and why I’m all f*cked up. These stories, or explanations, even if “true” are not helpful to tell. Which brings me back to where I started - the question that IS truly helpful: What Now.
Not to belittle your trauma, but we’ve all got some. It’s all different and it’s all the same in one aspect - the only thing that matters is what we do with it NOW. What now? Use it to justify why you can’t connect more deeply with your partner? That’s one way. Use it as a catalyst to get into therapy and know yourself better? That’s another way.
I’ll write more about our emotional GPS system in the future, but it operates in exactly the same manner. Regardless of your “wrong turns” in life, or your recurring self-destructive patterns that continue, the only thing your GPS is concerned with is where you are now, and where you want to go. And focusing on where you want to go is a 100% sure-fire way to feel better the moment you start doing it.
It’s actually my favorite game to play - pick a thing I want (I’ll choose, for the moment…getting booked to play the Folks Fest big stage) and imagine it for a moment…several moments…for the pure joy of the feeling that arises when I put myself in those shoes. My heart starts leaping, “yeah yeah yeah! like a puppy that wants to play,” and the better I get at this game, the less I hear any contradictory “that’ll never happen” thoughts. I just remind myself again and again what it is I want, and why I want that, and how good it will feel when it comes. Stringing together moments like these can build some serious momentum. And what happens next in my life has a lot to do with the momentum I build. I used to blunder around by default, now I’m much more conscientious about the momentum I create.
So, less talk about our frozen footsteps. Get off the train of explaining how you got here, and stop arguing for your limitations. And start telling me where you’re heading, and why, and how freaking awesome it’s going to be when you get there. That’s the game I’m going to keep playing, and I love the feeling that happens when I play it. And I love the things that happen next.
Stay tuned, friends. This is getting exciting.